a moment in jersey: a thanksgiving ramble

the scene:

i'm sitting at my childhood desk, but where the "seating" spot is, there's an ancient TV.  instead, my macbook is off to the left, where i need to open the cabinet door in order to sit properly.  my knees are inside the cabinet, resting against the shelves full of old photo albums and other items from my youth.  beside me sits a mug of a makeshift chai tea latte - brewed chai tea from a bag, a big spoonful of non-dairy vanilla creamer, and half a splenda.  is it too much information to mention that these items (well, maybe not the splenda) were purchased when i last lived here, over two years ago?  thankfully, they're items that really can't go bad, no matter the expiration date.

our friends' dog is occasionally pacing around the living room, barking lightly at the sound of the neighbors coming home.  we're watching him for the week.  he's a strange dog, very calm and slightly stupid.  well, no.  he's just not quite sure how to act like a real dog.  my mother came home the other day to find him sitting in the doorway with the "i'm in trouble, aren't i?" look and trash strewn all around the kitchen.  she said she had to restrain herself from busting out laughing, as he's never done that before.  he's almost six, and a wheaton terrier - the 'blondes' of the dog universe.

this end of the house has been quiet all day, with my brother working all morning.  now, he's waiting to hear back from his friend to find out when they're going out to the movies.  i never understood this, going to the movies with a friend you haven't seen in a long time.  wouldn't you want to go somewhere where you can talk and catch up?  alas, the difference between me and my brother.

the rest of the house is quiet, too . . .  my dad's been at work all day, and my mom is hiding in her office.  or sleeping on the couch.  if ever i don't hear her, she's in one of those two places.  i feel like she's working, as she was earlier.  also, her office is the warmest room in the house - she's got a space heater that's incredible.  the room has no heat to start with, as it was part of the garage originally.  with both mom and dad working one of their many jobs from home, they both needed office space.  one of the first projects my dad completed on this house, so many years ago, was building that office.

speaking of heat, my room is the coldest in the house.  long ago, we had digital thermometers - one outside, one in my room, and one in the kitchen - to keep track of the drafts.  my room in the winter would average around 50 degrees or so.  i'd say we're at about that now, maybe colder.  i can feel the draft wafting towards me from the walls - yes, you can feel the wind and cold through the walls, not the windows - over the little heater i have.  right now, i'm making about 30 mistakes a minute typing.  well, maybe not that many.  but way more than i should, since my fingers are getting colder and colder . . .  more tea time.

it's really not that good.  just warm.

***
no matter how cold or how quiet it gets, this place will always be home.

***
two years have passed since i lived in this room.  my walls still have a few remains of the life i once knew - a printout of my favorite photo from high school, a strangely lit - yet quite dramatic - print of an old musician friend, a keychain and a piece of pottery hanging in the same place since i was about seven from my bestest friend in the entire universe (official title), and most embarrassingly, the bits and pieces of song lyrics and quotes i ingeniously wrote on the back of my door in sharpie with key words missing, as they were taped on in magazine cut-out letters.  the letters are long gone, but i still remember what the quotes were in their entirety. 

"Sometimes the best way to figure out who you are is to get to the place where you don't have to be anyone else." - anonymous

"Hope is home and the heart is free." - Enya

"I'm still the angel to a girl who hates to sin." - Tori Amos

"Dear g-d, help me find myself." - me

words from a darker time.  and oddly enough, the time was only as dark as i wanted it to be.  in reality, i had lots going for me.  a loving boyfriend.  fantastic friends.  fun classes.  theatre.  singing.  marching band.  cheerleading.  acceptance to every college i applied.  somewhere in there, the messages got lost.  and thus, i felt the need to express my darkness through the back of my door, where no one else would see.

***
on this thanksgiving, i am thankful for so many things in my life.

i'm thankful that i was able to emerge from that darkness and get to that place where i didn't need to be anything but myself.  and for being able to look back on that time and see all the amazing things that i got to experience. 

i'm thankful for this cold room, and for the wash of memories that comes over me every time i enter it after being away for so long.  relishing in my first kiss.  picking out the hideous wallpaper.  writing numerous songs.  hours and hours and hours of procrastination.  practicing cheers with my pom-poms over and over, just because i couldn't believe i was actually a cheerleader and i wanted to be the best.  (i wasn't, but that's another story for another day.)  contemplating being alone for the first time after an intense relationship.  hiding in my bed for the last time during my month of unemployment, right before the phone call about my interview with exhale.  making my 148 pact with diane.  teaching myself how to sing by mimicking my CD's and tapes of The Little Mermaid and Les Miserablés (the London cast, of course.)  looking out my window at night, hoping and wishing and praying in the moonlight that everything will turn out just fine in the end.

i'm thankful for the life i've built for myself, considering the tumultuous times.  and i'm thankful for my hard work paying off and landing me at such a fun and challenging and educational job, working for such inspiring people.  and i'm thankful for the ability to take a chance and put my talents on the line for all to see and judge, and for them taking a chance on me, enabling me to sing the most beautiful of music and share in the most beautiful of moments.  and i'm thankful for all the new and wonderful friends i've found through these endeavors, friends with the same passions as myself.  and, i'm thankful that these friends are more like enduring family and less just fleeting moments of happiness.

i'm thankful for the strange inspiration, driving down I-95 that beautiful March day, that maybe what i needed wasn't just a new job, but a new location.  and i'm thankful for the timing, as it could not have been better.  i'm even thankful for my ex-boyfriend - if it weren't for dating him the second time and realizing we *really* didn't work, i wouldn't have gotten over him, and i wouldn't have been so brave and sure of myself as to even consider a big move.

i'm thankful for my brother.  and i'm thankful for his job.  and his move.  and his house being only ten minutes away from me.  and i'm thankful that he's starting to like Washington and Virginia.  (i'll be even more thankful once he starts to make more friends and branch out a bit.  but all in due time.)  and most importantly, for the chances we do get to spend time and talk, becoming better friends than we ever have been. 

i'm thankful for my mother.  and i'm thankful that i am turning into a clone of her.  and for all the times she was hard on me, and for all the times she listened to my stories and just smiled along.  and for inspiring me to finally get my act together and use my skills to their highest potential.  and for being the amazing, strong, and loving mom that she has grown to be.

i'm thankful for my father.  and i'm thankful for his quiet and simple nature, as i think my mom would explode without him.  and for his sense of humor, and love, and enjoyment of even the littlest of things.  and for working so damn hard for so many years and still remaining a positive and jolly man, all while being a supportive and doting dad.

i'm thankful for my grandmother, too.  at eighty-two years old, she hasn't changed a bit since i can remember, and i'm thankful that she realized how much she had left to live for after my grandfather passed away.  he'd be so proud of her now.  i'm thankful every single day for her health and mind, and i'm thankful that she knows the love of her children, grandchildren, and even her great-grandson.  and i'm thankful that we have had the chance to grow older with her and know her love, too.

out of everything i could possibly be thankful for . . .

i'm thankful for life.