77 hours.

that's how many hours i've been alone this weekend. 
( for those keeping track: by the time i leave for work tomorrow, it'll be 86 hours from when i left work on friday since i've had any physical contact with a friend / colleague.  a few phone conversations, and some over IM, but nothing in person.)

you learn a lot about yourself after 77 hours.

i've gone through a gigantic emotional rollercoaster, from the very high (thursday night's outing) to the very low (sunday afternoon) - and most of you have witnessed at least part of this in my latest blog posts.  (and for this, i am sorry.)

not everyone's perfect, especially me.   over the last few years, i've really been working on trying to keep moments like these at a minimum.  i used to let them take over my life, for extended periods of time.  it took so much effort to get myself out of these funks, mostly because i'd just wallow in them and let them perpetuate.  and most of the time, whatever triggered them was mostly in my head.

but this weekend, i got to face my demons head-on.
and oh, did they put up a good fight.

in my every day moments, i'm a pretty secure person on the outside.  i'm confident about my work and in my dealings with clients, i'm secure in my friendships and hopeful about my relationships, and i'm comfortable knowing i made the right decision to move to DC.

but when those moments are gone, and all that's left is me, myself, and i . . . it all melts away.  deep down inside, i'm still that insecure little girl, unsure if people really do like me for me, or if they just tolerate me for being nice and funny sometimes.  i'm unsettled with my work, unhappy about sitting at a computer for 8 hours a day, and unnerved that i may not have what it takes to eventually be a photojournalist.  and worst of all, i'm insecure about things i say and do when it comes to guys . . .  that perhaps i'm reading situations completely wrong, and that maybe where i think feelings may be had mutually, they're not, making my actions drive them in the opposite direction without further warning.

those feelings are the ones that got the best of me this weekend.  i had been pushing them aside and trying to ignore them (although they've been poking around here and there a little) . . .  and instead of dealing with them on a rational basis, i get bodyslammed into the ropes for the KO.

do i have answers on how to deal with these demons?
no.
but now that they've launched their hold-nothing-back attack, i can start to deal with them one by one, in a more civilized manner. 

when i get into craptastic funks like this, my brain gets foggy.  i don't feel like myself.  it's hard to see and understand what's real, and what's just in my head.  occasionally, my fears are founded in truth.  most of the time, it's all in my head.

but when i woke up this morning, after literally sitting on my couch (where i sat all weekend) shaking and crying yesterday evening at the last straw . . .  i knew everything was going to be okay.  i realized by the end of last night that the worst was over, and that come tuesday morning, the world would be right again.  or at least, back on track.  my time alone now had a limit, and the fog cleared from my brain.  finally, i was able to start really thinking about what exactly got to me, and why.

and that's when i wrote my last post.

i need to be able to take my leap of faith and believe in myself, no matter the outcome.
to know, deep down inside, that i don't have to be that insecure girl anymore.
and that as long as i do the best i can, and feel good about it . . .
if [ anything ] was ment to be, it will be.

on that note, i bid goodbye to this weekend.

i'm ready to begin again.